Wednesday, May 20, 2009

crazy bad week

This week has been total crap. I had three INSANE customers. Totally insane. One lady was threatening to call the ASPCA on me because I was "hurting" some little bichon by combing its hair. One guy said I was "totally unreasonable" for expecting him to tell me what kin of haircut he wanted for his golden (this conversation went on for over an hour.) Another lady said I "ruined the beauty of the bichon" by doing EXACTLY what she asked for. Ugh.

But I did have a good session this week. This week she really focused on the need to fully grieve my two losses. She wants me to take this week to just be sad and grieve these loses, and then hopefully I will be able to make room in my heart for a new baby. I don't know how much I buy into the theory that I can't get pregnant because I haven't fully grieved my previous losses... but it's worth a try. I guess at this point I will try just about anything.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


So my cycle is totally weird since my mc. So I made an appointment with my doc to talk about it, because I figure it doesn't help with getting pg. I'm afraid she's going to want to put me on bc to regulate my cycle. On one hand, that idea sound horrific to me right now. But James thinks it'd be good to take a break anyway. I dunno. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Ugh. My life just needs to straighten itself out right now.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


AF came back to finnish the job. Yay me.


What the eff is up with my cycle? Only two days of very light AF, and she's gone?? Not that I want her back, just wondering why she's being nice after hammering me last month.

2nd session, better than the first

Last night's session went so well. She really helped me to prioritize my life, and figure out what's truly important. I'm going to be making some big changes, and I'm setting deadlines for those changes. So anywho, I feel good. I feel like I'm in control of SOMETHING. I need that.

I also sat down with my mom last night and told her what's going on. At first, she just told me to stop trying, because she knew someone who adopted and THEN got pregnant. So once I explained to her that while stress indeed my FACTOR into fertility issues, infertility is a medical condition, not a mental thing. (You wouldn't think I'd need to explain that to a nurse, right?!) And that I was stressed and depressed because of infertility, not vise-versa. She also started off on the "you're too young to be infertile" path. Like, yeah, it really discriminates based on age, you know. Sigh. But I feel like she gets the gist of it, now.

Next month I'm back to the doctor to start testing. We'll see how that goes.

Monday, May 11, 2009

From Resolve's Website

How Can I Help? The Dos And The Don'ts Of Support

By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption. DO Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Can you believe AF showed up 2 days early just to completely ruin mother's day?!?!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Last night was a new experience for me. I went to a therapist. I didn't really know what to expect. It wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was kind of nice to have someone listen to me who didn't just tell me to do IVF or adopt. She actually specializes in infertility related depression. She was the first person to really focus on the mc's being a death of someone I love. She was able to put how I was feeling into words... always tired, everything is a huge effort, no desire to do anything, just kind of floating through life. So anywho, she thinks my job is a big source of stress in my life, and is keeping me from getting pregnant. She thinks I need to decide what is more important in my life. Obviously, I know what is more important. She wants me to go to school, and do what I love. She also does fertility hypnosis. Not sure how I feel about that.

I'm going back again on Tuesday. We'll see where this goes.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Unhappy mother's day

Today was a bad day. All of the anxiety and depression that's been building in me has started manifesting itself in a physical form. I am literally making myself sick. Every time infertility comes to mind, I throw up. I have no desire to get out of bed in the morning. Today, I didn't even go to work.

So I admit it... I have depression... I am depressed. There, I said it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. But I did the grown-up thing, I called a doctor. You know, a mental health doctor. I couldn't stop bawling on the phone just making the appointment. She insisted I come in TONIGHT, so I'm going. I haven't even told James, but then again, he's not even home.

I need some prayers right now. And some strength... anyone got some extra?