12w4d

Pics from our US today!

Boy or girl???

So let's check out the ol' wive's tales. See what, according to them, is in store for us...

It's a boy if:

· You didn't experience morning sickness in early pregnancy

· Your baby's heart rate is less than 140 beats per minute

· You are carrying the extra weight out front

· Your belly looks like a basketball

· Your areolas have darkened considerably

· You are carrying low

· You are craving salty or sour foods

· You are craving protein -- meats and cheese

· Your feet are colder than they were before pregnancy

· The hair on your legs has grown faster during pregnancy

· Your hands are very dry

· Your pillow faces north when you sleep

· Dad-to-be is gaining weight, right along with you

· Pregnancy has you looking better than ever

· Your urine is bright yellow in color

· Your nose is spreading

· You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves in circles

· You are having headaches

· You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an even number

It's a girl if:

· You had morning sickness early in pregnancy

· Your baby's heart rate is at least 140 beats per minute

· You are carrying the weight in your hips and rear

· Your left breast is larger than your right breast

· Your hair develops red highlights

· You are carrying high

· Your belly looks like a watermelon

· You are craving sweets

· You are craving fruit

· You crave orange juice

· You don't look quite as good as normal during pregnancy

· You are moodier than usual during pregnancy

· Your face breaks out more than usual

· You refuse to eat the heel of a loaf of bread

· Your breasts have really blossomed!

· Your pillow faces south when you sleep

· Your urine is a dull yellow color

· You hang your wedding ring over your belly and it moves from side to side

. You add your age at the time of conception and the number for the month you conceived and the sum is an odd number

Boy wives tales: 6

Girl wives tales: 11

(BTW if you're preggo, I tag you to do this craziness)

Here's Baby's most recent photograph!

Ultrasound

Here is the pic from my 6w3d ultrasound! Heartrate was 126bpm. It was pretty much the most amazing thing I've ever seen!

6w1d

I had my first prenatal appointment today. After spending an hour waiting, I finally got to pee on a stick, have my blood pressure taken, and get a pelvic exam (whoopee!) The pregnancy test was positive, blood pressure was good, and my uterus "feels pregnant!" That was as good as I could hope for.

I got the note excusing me from work for the next 10 months! I can't wait to clean this house and decorate some cakes! It will be great.

I have a dating ultrasound on Wednesday at 1:30... keep those fingers crossed for me!!!!!!!!!!

How I'm feeling... (at 5w3d)

Pukey- but without the puke. I actually wish I just WOULD puke so that maybe it would just pass.

Tired- I'm always exhausted. I'm not sleeping well at night, constantly waking up at all hours. But then finding it impossible to remove myself from bed in the morning. YAWN

But all in all, nothing can dampen my excitement. I'm just thrilled. My therapist seemed shocked when I told her that I didn't have any fears or anxiety. But I just KNOW that this is going to be great.

Can't wait till my dr appt on Monday!

NASCAR @ MIS

Well, yesterday, the NASCAR race was at MIS. I've been whining to James about how I can't find a shirt with my favorite driver on it (Jamie McMurray) anywhere. So he decides we should just drive 30 minutes out to MIS and get a shirt at the stands outside the race. So by the time we walked all the way around the 2 mile track twice (we walked right past his trailer the first go-around) I was too tired to walk back to the car- got to love pregnancy. So I decided to just walk up to the booth and see if there were any tickets left. They had some great tickets CHEAP since it was only 30 minutes til the start of the race. So I bought us tickets and we watched the race. We had a blast. I figured, we have to do this fun spontaneous stuff while we can! Jamie ended up in 11th, not too shabby!

Cruising

Great news! I thought we were going to have to forfeit our $400 nonrefundable deposit for our cruise in January (they wont let you cruise over 24 weeks pregnant.) But once I explained our situation, they let us reschedule our cruise for October... we'll be cruising on my birthday! :D I am so stinking excited! So we're calling it our babymoon. YAY!!

Guess what?!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG !!!!!!

Needing a little strength...

Today is cd28/28... I'm having a hard time thinking about much else. I have a lot of good symptoms, but I'm never sure if they're real... or just my body telling me what I want to hear. The bloody nose is there (got that both times I was pg,) the bbs on fire, no pre-period breakout... I dunno. I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up. So I've immersed myself in books, reading well over 2,000 pages this week alone.

Okay, enough obsessing... time to go to work!

crazy bad week

This week has been total crap. I had three INSANE customers. Totally insane. One lady was threatening to call the ASPCA on me because I was "hurting" some little bichon by combing its hair. One guy said I was "totally unreasonable" for expecting him to tell me what kin of haircut he wanted for his golden (this conversation went on for over an hour.) Another lady said I "ruined the beauty of the bichon" by doing EXACTLY what she asked for. Ugh.

But I did have a good session this week. This week she really focused on the need to fully grieve my two losses. She wants me to take this week to just be sad and grieve these loses, and then hopefully I will be able to make room in my heart for a new baby. I don't know how much I buy into the theory that I can't get pregnant because I haven't fully grieved my previous losses... but it's worth a try. I guess at this point I will try just about anything.

Confused

So my cycle is totally weird since my mc. So I made an appointment with my doc to talk about it, because I figure it doesn't help with getting pg. I'm afraid she's going to want to put me on bc to regulate my cycle. On one hand, that idea sound horrific to me right now. But James thinks it'd be good to take a break anyway. I dunno. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Ugh. My life just needs to straighten itself out right now.

Lovely

AF came back to finnish the job. Yay me.

???

What the eff is up with my cycle? Only two days of very light AF, and she's gone?? Not that I want her back, just wondering why she's being nice after hammering me last month.

2nd session, better than the first

Last night's session went so well. She really helped me to prioritize my life, and figure out what's truly important. I'm going to be making some big changes, and I'm setting deadlines for those changes. So anywho, I feel good. I feel like I'm in control of SOMETHING. I need that.

I also sat down with my mom last night and told her what's going on. At first, she just told me to stop trying, because she knew someone who adopted and THEN got pregnant. So once I explained to her that while stress indeed my FACTOR into fertility issues, infertility is a medical condition, not a mental thing. (You wouldn't think I'd need to explain that to a nurse, right?!) And that I was stressed and depressed because of infertility, not vise-versa. She also started off on the "you're too young to be infertile" path. Like, yeah, it really discriminates based on age, you know. Sigh. But I feel like she gets the gist of it, now.

Next month I'm back to the doctor to start testing. We'll see how that goes.

From Resolve's Website

How Can I Help? The Dos And The Don'ts Of Support

By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW

Coping with Infertility can be extremely difficult for the family and friends of the couple going through infertility. As with any crisis it is difficult to know what to say. Because infertility is such a sensitive topic it is important to understand what you can and cannot say.

Let's start with what doesn't help, because the more you continue to say the wrong thing inadvertently, the deeper the rift will be between you and the couple. There is a universal list of No-No's that most infertile couples agree on. The following do's and don'ts should help you support the individual or couple who is struggling with infertility.

Don't Try to minimize the problem by saying, "Don't worry. At least you have each other and don't have cancer."

Do Listen to what the couple has to say about their experience and express empathy for their difficulties.

Don't Tell a couple who has had a miscarriage that it wasn't meant to be or that you know that they will be pregnant again soon and it will work the next time.

Do Realize that the couple has just lost a specific potential child who will never come again, no matter how wonderful the next pregnancy may be. Acknowledge how sad they must feel. Use the words "loss and sorrow"; don't be afraid to use the words that probably describe how the couple must feel.

Don't Give medical advice or doctor referrals without being asked or hearing the couple say they are looking for new information or referrals.

Do Tell the couple know that you'll be happy to listen to any details they want to share with you and that you would like to offer support during any procedures by a phone call or by offering to go with them to a medical appointment.

Don't Assume that new medical breakthroughs you read about in the paper will solve the couple's problems. The breakthrough announced by the news media may be irrelevant and if it is relevant, chances are the couple has seen the article and their medical team is knowledgeable about it.

Do Ask the couple if there are any books or articles that you could read to understand what they are going through medically.

Don't Expect the couple to act happy about attending baby showers, christenings and other family events that feature pregnant women and new babies.

Do Give them plenty of opportunity to decide whether to attend an event or whether to come late or leave early. They will not feel the need to avoid babies forever, but less contact right now may be a necessary part of their healing process.

Don't Start a discussion about infertility without paying attention to timing and to the couple's openness.

Do Choose a time when the couple's privacy is assured and ask the couple if they would like to talk. Couples experiencing infertility often feel out of control. Your letting them choose whether and when to talk about it gives them back some control.

Don't Assume that it is fine if you talk to your son's wife or your daughter's husband about their situation.

Do Respect the privacy needs of each individual and do not assume that they both want to talk about it with you.

Don't Offer unsolicited stories about others who have been successful at treatment or adoption. DO Tell them if they are ever interested you could put them in touch with a couple willing to talk about their infertility experience or adoption process. Let them decide whether they want to pursue that information. As a parent, family member, or friend, you want to make it better for the couple, to take away the pain. But probably the greatest gift you can give your loved one or friend is to be a listener, a sounding board. Instead of erasing the pain, you can diminish it by your caring. One of the hardest questions to ask someone is, "How can I help you?" It is such a difficult question because you should be prepared for their answer and not the answer that you think they will say or should say. To ask that question and to trust the response that you hear is a powerful step in your efforts to help the couple struggling with this kind of crisis.

UGH.

Can you believe AF showed up 2 days early just to completely ruin mother's day?!?!

Follow-up

Last night was a new experience for me. I went to a therapist. I didn't really know what to expect. It wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was kind of nice to have someone listen to me who didn't just tell me to do IVF or adopt. She actually specializes in infertility related depression. She was the first person to really focus on the mc's being a death of someone I love. She was able to put how I was feeling into words... always tired, everything is a huge effort, no desire to do anything, just kind of floating through life. So anywho, she thinks my job is a big source of stress in my life, and is keeping me from getting pregnant. She thinks I need to decide what is more important in my life. Obviously, I know what is more important. She wants me to go to school, and do what I love. She also does fertility hypnosis. Not sure how I feel about that.

I'm going back again on Tuesday. We'll see where this goes.

Unhappy mother's day

Today was a bad day. All of the anxiety and depression that's been building in me has started manifesting itself in a physical form. I am literally making myself sick. Every time infertility comes to mind, I throw up. I have no desire to get out of bed in the morning. Today, I didn't even go to work.

So I admit it... I have depression... I am depressed. There, I said it.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. But I did the grown-up thing, I called a doctor. You know, a mental health doctor. I couldn't stop bawling on the phone just making the appointment. She insisted I come in TONIGHT, so I'm going. I haven't even told James, but then again, he's not even home.

I need some prayers right now. And some strength... anyone got some extra?

National Infertility Awareness Week

I've been wanting to sit down and talk to someone about how infertility has changed my life for a while now. NIAW seemed like a good time to do that. I'm among friends here, right? No judgement zone? Okay, here goes.

I started to suspect that something might be... different... when after nearly 6 years of preventing (not always very well) we never had any "close calls." In October 2007 we started trying for real. At first we were so excited. We'd spend hours picking out names, designing our dream nursery, discussing who'd stay home with the baby, etc. In February 2008 we got that beautiful pink line. From the start, it didn't feel right. A week and a half later, I had a miscarriage. It was painful and devastating. I never went to the doctor, it was over so quickly. We took 2 months off trying after that, then we went back to it. We were unsuccessful until December 2008. This time it was a blighted ovum. I got a D&C at 11 weeks. Now here we are, April 2009 and still no baby. No pregnancy, either.

So, we're at 18 months of trying w/o a viable pregnancy. If one year makes you infertile, does 1.5 years make you infertile and a half??

I'm trying like heck not to obsess over my cycle anymore. Today is cd15, and I most certainly felt ovulation. We covered our bases, and will probably give it another shot tomorrow. If this month doesn't produce the intended results, I'm going back to the doctor to start getting some testing done.

The road ahead will be long and painful. We don't really have a plan of how far we will go. I guess we will just cross each bridge as we come to it... if we can afford it!

Eh

Today is kind of a down day. I've been thinking alot about IF and how we've been TTC for for 18 months now. It's really depressing. It just seems so... not fair! Like... what did I do wrong? I see all of these horrid people who have no problems, and here I am. Where will we find the money for IF treatments? Why didn't I start trying in high school?!

Bad day at work...

So today was a bad day. I had a dog booked named Pepper. He was an Aussie/Berner/Chow mix. There were some notes on his card about him being bad for his last groom. He's an outdoor dog, and he only gets groomed once a year. When I tried to take the dog back, the owners tried to come with me. I explained to them that Petco's P&P's clearly state that owners are not permitted in the salon. We have full length windows that they are welcome to watch thru, but they can't help. The owner then said "well, I'd better not get a call in an hour saying you can't groom him!" (This sure sounds promising, eh?) My bather took the dog back to the kennel. Suddenly I hear screamiong, so I come running back. The dog is in the kennel, but she can't shut the door, because every time she reaches towards the door, the dog lunges at her.(Oh, why didn't I just send the dog home now??) So then we tried to groom him... the dog broke the restraints and ended up pinning me against the wall with it's teeth at my throat. (Okay, I'm sending him home now.) So I call my GM in, and she says "you can't send the dog home! You have to finish grooming him!" (This is why I hate working for someone who's not a groomer!) So I told her "my clippers are on my desk, have fun!" Seriously, she wanted me to risk my face to get this dog groomed?! What a B.

New Blog

Here's the start of my new blog. It will probably float around between grooming drama and TTC drama. That's my life: drama.